I'm not Oprah-worthy
By Mark Czerniec
November 3, 2007 9:16 AM

Now I understand how David Letterman must have suffered. It's like an unexpected punch in the stomach. It's difficult to even breathe, and I just sit here in absolute disbelief wondering what I ever did to deserve this.

In the hopeful early morning hours of October 24, I reached out to someone whose very life is one neverending outreach. I asked Oprah Winfrey to be my MySpace friend. For years and years she has warmed the cathode rays of my 25-inch Phillips, and I guess I was hoping for the same in the pixels of my Mac.

I wasn't asking much of her, just a simple click of approval.

Besides, I figured, we have a few things in common. We both spent our grammar school years in the Milwaukee metropolitan area, we both now work for broadcasts that are based in Chicago, we both favor the positive over the negative, and we both enjoy Southern cooking. Her friend, Sen. Barack Obama, accepted my MySpace friendship immediately. Okay, so Oprah enjoyed Memoirs of a Geisha a little more than I did, but I did at least watch it on her recommendation.

Even without any mutual connections, I could think of no one less likely to reject me, except perhaps for Mr. Rogers, and now I'm nervous about asking him. At last count, Oprah Winfrey has twenty-three thousand, three hundred and ninety-nine MySpace friends. Did they all have to pass some rigorous screening gauntlet? Are they all so much better than me?

Still, Wednesday, October 24 passed without her nod, and then October 25 came and went. Now it's been ten full days, and her silence is beginning to tear me apart.

It's not as if she is simply too busy for MySpace, since her account shows a fresh login almost every day. Trust me, I check.

Ah, well. I guess I'll give her a little while longer and then, if necessary, politely withdraw my request and try to cope with the pain somehow.

Perhaps Dr. Phil can help me. I don't see him listed in Oprah's Top 40. He looks like he could really use a friend, and my afternoons are wide open from now on.

Update: Oprah did accept my MySpace friendship after all on November 8, restoring my self-esteem to an acceptable level. Maybe next I can entice her into purchasing my favorite things.